Please don’t ask me that.
I’m doing better today than I was yesterday, but I’m still so far from okay I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay again. I’m also not sure what okay looks like anymore.
I’m getting things done, we haven’t missed any meals, or been late to school. I’ve fulfilled all my volunteer obligations (and then some above and beyond). The laundry is done, the house is clean enough, I have time to write this blog post.
And I’m so not okay. I’m better than I was doing yesterday, and I’ll probably be doing better tomorrow, so I’m trending in the right direction, but I’m not okay.
I’m working on being okay with not being okay, which feels counter intuitive. I’ve learned to sit with my not-okay feelings. A lot is happening right now. A lot has been happening for a while.
It is okay to not be okay.
I have acknowledged this, I have continued with my day until the not-okay feelings bubble up again. Then I sit with them, they’re not going away, they want to be recognized.
This is not like Christian Science where I have to correct my thought and everything will be fine. No amount of time pouring over obscure passages in Science & Health is going to rectify this situation. I can’t bury myself in “the books” and wait for a “demonstration.” I have to confront it, work through it, one day at a time, make difficult choices and follow through.
It will get better, but it will take a little while.
I’m working on being okay with that too.
How are you doing today?