How are you doing today? 

Please don’t ask me that. 

I’m doing better today than I was yesterday, but I’m still so far from okay I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay again. I’m also not sure what okay looks like anymore.

I’m getting things done, we haven’t missed any meals, or been late to school. I’ve fulfilled all my volunteer obligations (and then some above and beyond). The laundry is done, the house is clean enough, I have time to write this blog post.

And I’m so not okay. I’m better than I was doing yesterday, and I’ll probably be doing better tomorrow, so I’m trending in the right direction, but I’m not okay.

I’m working on being okay with not being okay, which feels counter intuitive. I’ve learned to sit with my not-okay feelings. A lot is happening right now. A lot has been happening for a while.

It is okay to not be okay.

I have acknowledged this, I have continued with my day until the not-okay feelings bubble up again. Then I sit with them, they’re not going away, they want to be recognized.

This is not like Christian Science where I have to correct my thought and everything will be fine. No amount of time pouring over obscure passages in Science & Health is going to rectify this situation. I can’t bury myself in “the books” and wait for a “demonstration.” I have to confront it, work through it, one day at a time, make difficult choices and follow through.

It will get better, but it will take a little while.

I’m working on being okay with that too.

How are you doing today?


5 thoughts on “How are you doing today? 

  1. ... Zoe ~ says:

    Almost everything here that you wrote, though circumstances be different, the sentiments/thoughts so much the same.

    Many years ago, the last pastor to ask me how I was doing got a shock when I started to tell him how I was doing. Before long he started to roll his eyes and look for an escape. So before I let him go, I said, next time you see me, don’t ask.

    Recently, I Iet my husband know that if appearances were that I was okay, to know that in fact I wasn’t okay. I’ve gotten so comfortable with the idea of not being okay and possibly never being “okay” that I have to force myself sometimes to cue him in on the fact that my “not okay” has reached another level of “not okay.” :/

    It is okay to be not okay. It took me years and years and (you get the point) to understand that concept.

    This -> ” . . . they want to be recognized.”

    I hope this comment is not too convoluted. I could have just said, “I relate.” ❤

    • kat says:

      I relate to your relating.

      my “not okay” has reached another level of “not okay.”

      I relate to that today on a whole new level.

  2. Wendy says:

    “Okay” is like muscle tone, which is described as the number of neurons firing in a muscle at rest or at work. Both are “okay” because they are different circumstances. If no neurons are firing, the muscle is paralyzed or the person is dead. when we’re working on an issue, “okay” is more difficult, requires more energy, just like a muscle at work. It is just what we expect and experience in our lives. “Okay” is a multi level experience.

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