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I have been dealing with more than my usual amount of anxiety recently (it is 2026, and I question anyone who isn’t at least a little concerned about the state of everything, so my baseline is already somewhat high). Normally, I can handle it, but as my therapist bluntly reminded me, while I am an incredibly competent person who is doing a lot, I am still doing everything on a more difficult setting because of [see the last 10+ years of blog posts about religious/medical trauma, neglect, etc.] so every now and then I should remember to be kind to myself (ha! self-compassion is a growth opportunity).
We’ve also had an on-going conversation about how when I actually exercise, be it walking, or yoga, or my oft-neglected physical therapy, it does actually make me feel better, and as Elle Woods reminds us in Legally Blond (2001) “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.”
Clearly I don’t have enough going on in my life, so I’ve decided to try a couch-to-5k plan, because sometimes walking isn’t enough to rid myself of the pursued-by-a-bear feeling. That said, the last time I did any sort of running was at Prin as part of a mandatory PE requirement, as part of warming up before attempting a sport. I have run since then, but not in any meaningful or intentional way, toddlers can be damn quick, and sometimes a child wants to race (a sprint is one thing, a 5k is another).
I have a bit of an aversion to running. I have never been small, nor have I ever self-identified as remotely “athletic.” I would also like to thank the Presidential Fitness testing we did in school. It was awful, it was unpleasant, and I never want to run any distance outside with other people ever again. Elementary and middle school PE are a special kind of awful, and it put me off exercise for decades. I’m still not a fan, but I understand moving my body is important, and I far prefer to choose when and how I get to, rather than being informed “today we are running a mile around the track, and then playing kick-ball.”
As a woman of early-middling years and not insubstantial size, I have body image issues. I was raised in a toxic mix of 90s diet culture, and Christian Science’s hot take that your body is a reflection of your mind, and “take no thought for what you eat.” So I reached out to a close friend in a vulnerable moment, knowing she knows me, and she would be a good sounding board for me to talk through all the feelings.
Excerpt of our conversation:
“Have I lost my mind? I am considering trying a couch-to-5k.”
“Omg”
“Not outside, from the safety of my living room treadmill.”
“That seems emotionally safer.”
Inside is emotionally safer, and climate controlled, and I can watch the Great British Baking Show, and have quick and easy access to a clean bathroom, snacks, and a couch to collapse on when I am finished. Running will also hopefully help complete the stress cycle. As the Nagoski sisters point out in their book “Burnout, the secret to unlocking the stress cycle,”
Physical activity is what tells your brain you have successfully survived the threat and now your body is a safe place to live. Physical activity is the single most efficient strategy for competing the stress response cycle.
I’m not sure my body is any safer after attempting to run, but it is exhausted, and I suppose that helps complete the stress response cycle. I’m done for, I can now lay there and let the bear devour me. The idea of “completing the stress cycle” through physical activity is is expanded on throughout the book, but most clearly where they talk about blocking off time.
Thirty minutes of physical activity. Whether with people, or alone, you do it with the explicit mindset of gear-shifting, feels-purging, rest-getting freedom. Physical activity counts as “rest” party because it improves the quality of your sleep and party because it completes the stress response cycle, transitioning your body out of a stressed state and into a resting state.
I’m trying the couch-to-5k. Maybe it will help. At the time of writing this, I am still in the early stages of the program, and so far, I don’t totally hate interval running. In Week 1 there is a 5 minute warm up, run for a minute, walk for 1 minute 30 seconds, run for a minute, repeat several times, until you’re at 23 minutes and then do a cool down walk. Week 2 extends the run time to 1 minute 30 seconds, week 3 increases the run time again, and so on. This feels mostly manageable, which is the intention of the program.
At the end of Week 1, Session 3, I had what my husband called a “runners high,” which was an entirely new phenomenon that I never experienced in a forced group run as part of PE classes. This took a sharp turn at the start of Week 2, Session 1, where by 20 minutes in I was lagging, and the idea of running for a minute 30 was beyond my abilities, so I ran for a minute instead during the last 2 running sections instead. Then I berated myself. Then I reminded myself that just a week ago, I wouldn’t have tried this at all, and the fact I even tried was to be celebrated, and I can try again another day.
The goal is progress not perfection, and even trying to run at all is 100% progress. A few days later, I did Week 2, Session 1 again, and it went much better. I am learning about what works well for me, and I’m trying to meet myself where I’m at. Do I have other goals? Stress management/reduction. Not accidentally injuring myself. Endorphins are a plus.
I suspect I may find a comfortable rhythm and happily plateau, but that is a potential problem for future me. Today me will feel accomplished in getting started at all.
My series contemplating what a horror novel set at Principia College in the late 90s-early 2000s might entail has been further side-tracked. We will return to it eventually.
kind-ism 