I wrote this post, and then life happened, and I didn’t even consider trying to even think about exercising, much less the couch-to-5k for well over a week (probably closer to a month). I sometimes managed some yoga, and felt successful with that. I worked to meet myself where I was at, and eventually I started walking again, and worked my way back up to interval running, starting back at week three’s pace. It has been a process, and a balancing act of remembering to meet myself where I’m at, without being too harsh on myself, but also recognizing when it is time to start pushing myself a little.

This is for now, not forever, and I am trying to be kind to myself, while also acknowledging the feelings of disappointment. I know just pushing through is not helpful, but old habits can be hard to break.

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My attempts at the couch-to-5k has plateaued at the roughly five week mark. Five minute warm up, five minutes of running, a three minute walk, five more minutes of running, three more minutes of walking, five more minutes of running, and then a five minute walk to cool down. Some mornings I finish this and feel the endorphins, and some mornings, I am lucky to make it part way through the second five minute run.

I am trying very hard not to beat myself up for the mornings I start with the intention of doing some interval running, and end up walking the final fifteen to twenty minutes of the allotted thirty minute time. There is no deadline for the “completion” of my couch-to-5k. I am doing it because I want to have an eventual goal, and the days the endorphins kick in are excellent, and I feel really accomplished. The days there are no endorphins and I walk, exhausted and sweaty, feeling defeated. Those days are challenging.

On the challenging days I remind myself that I am trying. A few months ago, I would have laughed at anyone who told me I would willingly attempt a couch-to-5k, and, to be fair, there are days I am still questioning why I am doing it. I remind myself am making progress, more than half of the sessions I am running further and longer than I did before. Progress could also be measured by trying this at all, in which case, I’ve made huge progress.

I have learned a few things in this process:

1. Regular cardio has helped my overall well being. Even if I’m not attempting interval running, a brisk walk makes a difference. This is not to detract from yoga or strength trainings impacts, they’re all helpful in their own way.
2. Compression leggings and a good sports bra make a difference and help with the “jiggle physics.” Plenty of me still jiggles, but it is less uncomfortable than it might otherwise be.
3. I tried music, it didn’t work for me, I may try another playlist at some point. Having an audio book to listen to only while exercising is quite motivating. May I suggest the dark romance/mafia/billionaire trope, or ice planet (or really any alien planet) barbarians. I would like to thank my local library’s Libby app for being well stocked.
4. I sweat, a lot. I am working on finding solutions to help mitigate this. It is gross.

I am still learning to listen to my body. After so many years of pushing through, ignoring, downplaying, and not always recognizing issues, this is probably the biggest hurdle for me. I’ve lived in this body for just over four decades, and it has been through a lot. I’m hoping it takes me at least another four, maybe even five or six decades. I’m working on making peace with the changes it is going through, some through my actions, some through my inaction, and some that occur naturally simply by the passage of time.

I’m trying to meet myself where I’m at, and to try to offer myself some compassion. Bodies are complicated. In addition to the physical, there is the mental stuff, which has also been through a lot. I’m still working on sorting all that out too. I am my body, my body is me, but there are also days it does not feel like me, it feels more like I am piloting a flesh suit in need of maintenance. This body has some quirks, not everything is fully operational, there are scars, and stretchmarks, extra padding, and some days it has less range than others. There are all the messy hormones and chemicals and needs. The need for sleep.

Exercising is easier when the last session was successful — yay endorphins! I find it much harder to motivate myself to exercise when the previous session felt like a failure. Picking myself up and trying again is difficult, sure, I can promise myself I’m “only going to walk” this time, but after a few days of “just walking,” I find I want to push a little harder and try the couch-to-5k again. Hello self, “just walking” is a valid form of exercise. Self does not always believe this, and can often be incredibly critical, we are working on that.

We will continue to remind ourselves “progress, not perfection.” We will continue to show up for ourselves in big and small ways. Yoda says “do or do not, there is no try,” and it is a puppet, so I’m not going to turn to it for life advice. I will continue to show up, and some days I will “only” showing up, and that counts too.